“May I help you?” I have come to dread, indeed, almost to hate those four little words! They are, nearly always, the first words to come out of the mouth of anyone who sees me.

I think it’s the wheelchair, because I don’t otherwise look like one who needs help with anything. It’s sad that it changes how a person sees me. It speaks to the power of stereotypes.

Many people have told me that they don’t know what to say to someone with a disability. I tell them, “Just say hi!” Here are some tips for interacting with people with disabilities, or at the very least, some tips on interacting with me. If this sounds like common sense to you, great! If not, take note. Treat people with disabilities as you wish to be treated – with courtesy, dignity, and respect. This really should be a no-brainer! On a basic level, people with disabilities are no different from you, in the sense that we are human beings with feelings and emotions, who also bleed when cut. It always amazes me when people treat others differently because of disability, race, or whatever, then howl with indignation when the tables are turned and they or someone they love is treated differently.

Speak to the person with a disability, not to someone with him or her. I went shopping with my mother. I left my wheelchair in the van, and hobbled about on my cane. At the checkout counter, I put my cane away, and chatted with the checkout person as she rang up my purchase. As I signed the credit card receipt, she noticed that I have poor vision. She turned to my mother and said, “Tell her-“, I said, “We were just having a great conversation. Nothing has changed in the few seconds since you found out that I can’t see”. “Speak directly to me”.

The same goes for sign language interpreters, folks with speech disabilities, and service animals. When conversing through an interpreter with someone who is Deaf or Hard of Hearing, speak directly to the person, not the interpreter. Don’t look at the interpreter and say, “tell him…” Talk to the person who is Deaf/Hard of Hearing naturally, as if you were speaking to someone who is hearing. Also, if you can’t understand someone due to a speech difficulty, ask the person to repeat themselves. Really, they won’t mind. My friends who have trouble with speech have told me that they’d rather repeat something over and over until they are understood than have someone bluff and pretend that they understood when in fact, they didn’t. Oh, and don’t talk to the service animal regarding their human. I’ve seen it done, and really, it doesn’t look cool, or intelligent. It’s not as if the animal is going to answer you!

Do not touch a person’s mobility or assistance device, or service animal without their permission. For many people who use wheelchairs, scooters, or walkers, those devices are considered part of their personal space. I strongly feel this way. When you touch my wheelchair without asking me, you are invading my space. I remember a few years ago, I was taking a one-day class. We were standing around having a discussion when one student kept leaning on my chair. I tried to discreetly indicate that this was a no-no by moving away from him several times, but he persisted in using me as a leaning post. Finally, I rather gently asked the young man if we were lovers or close friends. “Uh, no”, he muttered. “Well then, please don’t lean on my chair”, I said. “Only my lover or my close friends have permission to invade my space like that, and believe me, even they ask first”. The same goes for other assistive devices, such as canes, talk-boards, etc. No matter how curious you are, they are not yours, so do not touch them!

Let me say something about service animals. Whether you realize it or not, these animals are working. When you touch, feed, or talk to them, you are distracting them, and potentially causing an unsafe situation for their human. If you just can’t help yourself, please give their human the courtesy of asking if you can pet the animal first. If they tell you no, respect that, and don’t get angry. For those folks who might get tempted, petting the service dog of someone who is blind “because, what the heck, they can’t see, anyway” is SO uncool! Don’t do it!

Here is another important thing to remember about service animals. Since they are NOT pets, by law, they can go virtually anywhere their human goes. This includes restaurants, schools, taxis, job sites, and most medical facilities.

The presence of a disability does not permit you to ask personal, intimate, or otherwise, invasive questions that you would not ask of any other complete stranger! Don’t ask me (or anyone else with a disability) how I go to the bathroom, if my organs work, or how I have sex. Unless you are a good friend, lover, parent, my personal attendant, or doctor, that is none of your business! The only possible exception to this is if I am educating a class or group about disability, or disability issues, and the specific issue comes up in appropriate fashion.

Watch your language and your attitude! I am not handicapped, crippled, or wheelchair-bound. Neither am I physically challenged, or handi-capable. I do not “suffer” from diabetes, nor am I “afflicted” with Multiple Sclerosis. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with me. I am not sick. I am not overcoming anything, nor am I a hero, or an inspiration. Ok, my mum thinks that I’m a hero, and a National Treasure, but that’s because I am her daughter, not because I am a person with a disability.

When you speak of us, think of us as people first. After all, that’s what we are! Say, person with a disability, person with epilepsy, or person with cerebral palsy. Don’t call us by our mobility equipment, either. I am not a wheelchair, or a wheelchair person. There are no wheelchair athletes, wheelchair artists, or wheelchair doctors. There are athletes, artists, doctors, and people who use wheelchairs.

Do you get it? Disability is a natural state, neither wrong or right, or good or bad. It’s not a fate worse than death, nor does it confer automatic sainthood. The only things that keep me down are physical, attitudinal, or societal barriers and biases. Given the proper supports, services, and accommodations (including affordability), people with disabilities can live anywhere and do anything we put our minds to.

If you want to help someone, ask first. If the person says no, respect that. Don’t insist on helping, or get angry. People with disabilities have the same pride and independence as you. We often find different ways of doing things. It may pain you to see me wheeling slowly up the street. You may get aggravated, annoyed, or impatient that it takes Ms. Brown so long to pick up a piece of fruit at the grocery store. Resist the temptation to do something for us. Believe me, nothing angers me, or others with disabilities more than when someone does something for us that we know that we can do, yet, refuse to help out when we have clearly asked for it.

Don’t feel sorry for us. We don’t need or want your pity. When you pity, or feel sorry for someone, you think of them as different, less, or not as good as you. Those of us with disabilities are worthy, have talents, and gifts to offer. If you look deeper, you’ll see that we are far more alike than we are different. You’ll discover a friend, neighbor, perhaps, even a lover!

If you don’t know what to say, just say hi! It’s a great start. We can talk about anything, so don’t limit the conversation to disability stuff, because we’re more than just our disability. If you talk to me, I guarantee that the conversation could range from the weather, to current events, my cats, particle physics, string theory, and beyond!